When my worst fear manifested into reality and betrayal from people who seemed to have spiritual answers

Soon after arriving in Seattle my relationship with my road trip companion ended. I set out on my own and found a ride with a girl who was headed to Iowa City. From there, I got a ride from a Japanese guy I met at a hostel on his way to St. Paul. At the hostel there, I couldn’t seem to find anyone else who was headed East. So I reluctantly took the Grey Hound bus to Milwaukee. On the entire trip I found myself searching for answers to the myriad of questions that were now running through my head ever since the upheaval of transitioning from agreeing with my parents to disagreeing with them. Maybe if I had gone into that portal instead of being scared I would have gotten the answers I so desperately wanted. I met a man on the bus who offered to help me and who also seemed to have the answers to my questions of life. It was if he had reached inside my soul and new what my weak point was and new how to play with that. Because of this I trusted him, but that trust unexpectedly turned into terror as he betrayed me by raping me. Amazingly, though, I was able to remain calm and think very clearly about how to get out of this situation. I was able to gain his trust so that he would leave me alone long enough for me to gather up the essentials of my belongings, jump out the window, and run to safety. It was like something out of the movies in terms of a brilliant game plan to escape. It’s taken me 12 years after this experience, for the notion to surface that this man would have killed me if I had not escaped. Much learning and emotional strength has come from this experience. One of the lessons was the power of my imagination. You see being raped was one of my worst fears. A year before this event I daydreamed that I had been raped in great detail to the point where my imagination had evoked emotions. So now whenever another strong fear comes up I have learned not to dwell on it or give it in power. I do this by toning a mantra and changing the subject in my mind. Most of you now know that we create with our minds, but at the age of 19 I hadn’t any idea of the power I was capable of.

On my 20th birthday I was pregnant from being raped and I dyed my hair black as a symbol to myself that this was the darkest days of my life. My strong belief that this was a life growing inside of me brought me to the decision that I did not want to abort it. But I cried almost every day because I didn’t want to have a baby and by the fifth month I miscarried much to my happiness and relief.