Why I was sick in Hawaii March 2009

I talked with my guides and they explained that over the past month I raised my vibration so high that it pushed me up into another vibrational octave. So the body aches and pressure in my head were caused by the effect of energetically being pushed through a birth canal and the mucus was essentially the last dregs of the old octave being wrung out of me. The disconnected, forsaken feeling was because I was in a void while I transitioned. And I'm still not really sure why, but the energy of Hawaii was required for this shift to take place. So my high vibes have returned and I'm really starting to feel good again.

Matrix Energetics

At the beginning of December 2008 I went to a seminar called Matrix Energetics (see www.matrixenergetics.com). My friend described stories of people being instantly healed. At this point in my healing journey, I was growing tired of everything taking so long to heal. So many layers of past traumas that have to be peeled away before you really start to get to a comfortable place. The price for the seminar was more than I had ever paid for anything, but I was so excited about it and I was tired of being limited by my income as to how far I could go with my healing work. So I charged it and as you will see it has been worth every penny.

First Night of Matrix Seminar - Friday December 5th 2008

At first my left brain was trying to figure out an explanation for what my eyes were seeing. People would go up on the stage and they seemed so comfortable up there I figured they must be actors who just fall to the stage floor on cue. Then Dr. Bartlett's dowsing finger pointed at me and I knew I wasn't a plant. I was a little nervous up there trying to get comfortable with the realization that 650 people are staring at me. He placed me in front of this guy who was a computer tech. I said I was a writer. He was doing something along the lines of linking us left brain and right brain. He put his hand up on my shoulder, as he pulled our heads closer together. I looked at his eyes which were just inches from mine and they were staring right past me into a void as if I wasn't there. Then he made some comment about the movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and asked if I had seen it. I shook my head, no, and then in the next second my body just fell back without bending a knee to the stage floor. I didn't feel anything. Then he was explaining to the audience that see I didn't even have to understand the archetype he was using in order for it to work.

2nd Day of Seminar - Saturday December 6th 2008

Dr. Bartlett called a whole bunch of people up from the audience and lined them up like dominoes. When he was making a final adjustment on the group I found myself caught up in the energy of it and just started spontaneously laughing ecstatically in my seat. He told us to make a bladder meter and when the knob reached red he'd send us all on a break. I tried to pay attention and didn't notice it go to red when we broke for a bathroom break. I walked out into the hallway in a drunken state swaying and flopping my arms as I walked. I decided to go to the lesser known ladies room in hopes of there being a shorter line. When low and behold I stumbled upon Dr. Bartlett working his magic on a 29-year-old woman in a wheel chair. My mind just couldn't compute what was happening, but I just sat there in a dazed and confused state my fingers in my mouth feeling very silly and blissed out. He worked her skinny legs and feet and adjusted her to the point where eventually he could move her whole leg up over her torso and around her head. The reactions of the woman and her mother who was kneeling on the floor next to her just brought me to tears. When the show was over I had to attempt to go to the bathroom in this state of mind. I couldn't stand up straight and fell against the wall while I attempted to wash my hands.

We watched Dr. Bartlett bring up person after person up to the stage and each time the person would fall over or react in some other rediculous way. I still couldn't really understand how he was doing it especially when he kept saying I'm not doing anything. I just made up this tool to give to the ego so it can feel like it is doing something. After his long scientific explanation I finally figured out that what he was doing was getting the conscious minds of a large group of people so use to observing such a phenomena that it would become normal to us. At one point he said, "Boy it's hot in here. Does anyone else thing it's hot in here?" Then with a flick of his fingers it suddenly became cooler in the room and I could feel a cool breeze rushing down on to me. Magic.

Finally by the end of the day it was our turn to do what he could do. I tried it out on Karis. I first noticed two points on her body put my hands there then I imagined that I was flying through the air riding on the back of a beluga whale. This took my mind off of doing anything sufficiently enough that sure enough Karis's body weakened where I put my hand. I moved immediately on to the next person no stopping to figure out what I just did. I repeated this on five other people to the point where I came to the conclusion that "I can do nothing!" One lady I was working on bent over and I touched the top of her head (my first point) and then noticed a point just beyond her tail bone and when I connected it and collapsed the wave it pulled me off in that direction towards it. This same lady worked on me and seemed to be touching points on me that were directly related to issues I wanted to work on.

Then we practiced the time travel tool. Two different people who worked on me both ended up making me completely collapse at age 19 a very significant year for me and this was validation that the time travel thing works. One lady from San Diego was so good she was getting me to collapse all over the place to the point where I had to sit down. Afterwards I found myself still in my drunken state downing several glasses of water. I can't remember what I asked one of the facilitators as I was about to leave, but she said the most profound thing I heard from the entire seminar. She said to "notice what is different even if it's just a slight change and then as you pay attention to that it will expand out from there." At that moment, I realized where I had erred in the past with all my other approaches to healing. When I got a chiropractic treatment for me back, for example, I would keep checking to see if it wasn't hurting anymore. In other words, I kept noticing what was the same instead of what was different.

I drove home and told Rowan all about my experiences. I felt so ecstatic and floaty while driving I thought I would have so much energy to get stuff done that night. As soon as I arrived home, I flopped down on to the bed and didn't want to get up for the rest of the evening. My body felt so floppy and when Brian brought me dinner I didn't even want to sit up to eat it. I just ate it laying down and at 7pm I fell promptly to sleep and didn't wake up again until 6am the next morning. I recall one very vivid sexual dream where I was a man who had met a young woman with long flowing raven black hair who was very innocent sexually. So as a man I was teaching her and was patient with her and would allow to do only what she was comfortable with and letting her know what I would like to do next instead of surprising her with something she wasn't comfortable with. Then an older man who reminded me of James Garner walked into the room with only his boxers on and wanted to make it a three some. I got rid of him right away. The sexual experience didn't go very far (I still had my boxers on). All she had to do was to start licking on my lower belly and my nipples and I was so overcome with passion and ecstasy that I woke up from the dream.

3rd Day of Matrix Seminar - Sunday December 7th 2008

Today we worked with archetypes. The first lady I practiced with wanted me to practice using parallel realities. So she said say for example I have a problem with this knee. Well I found that instead of thinking to use parallel realities I got a vision of a 2x4 board. Then I thought oh I'll make a splint with it and straighten the knee out. Instead of validating the fact that I had managed to come up with the board thing she was like, "but you didn't use the parallel reality." She didn't seem to understand that that was not what came in at the moment. I seem to be really comfortable figuring out if I should use a frequency, parallel reality, time travel, or archetype. One lady I worked on I saw a big red heart on her chest, then I saw an arrow going through it. My initial reaction to seeing this was to judge and I wondered why I had imagined stabbing her with this arrow then I let that judgement go and asked what am I to do with this? Oh, pull it out. Then I suchered up the remaining slit in the heart, poured hydrogen peroxide over the stitches and let that sizzle for awhile until the hole was completely clear and repaired. The next woman collapsed to the ground into child's pose and then I thought to draw a goddess spiral on the backside of her heart chakra I explained to her what I was doing and she said, "Give it to me." and with that I just started laughing hysterically. She wanted to know what made me laugh afterwards and I told her nothing really. It was just a feeling that overcame me. She said I was the only one so far who had made her collapse like that. The next guy turned up some frequency so high that I laughed harder than I think I ever laughed in my life. It was so intense I wanted him to stop. Then I did the guy and I noticed his belly sticking out and I got an image of a can of Coors. "What do I do with this?" Oh, put it in the fridge. Now what? Shrink the fridge down and out of existance." At the moment the fridge zapped out the guys body slumped over. I practiced on another lady while we were standing in line in the ladies room. She told me that she was having some difficulty with her shoulder. I noticed some stars on her necklace which lead me in a rocket ship to Sirius where I met a mermaid. At this point the line got to where we had to split up into the bathroom stalls. She said to ask the Mermaid what I should do? Okay. So as I sat on the toilet the mermaid told me to pull a gold chain out of her mouth. So I pulled and pulled and then I noticed a big ball like a prisoner's chain at the end on the floor where the chain was coiling. "Now what should I do?" Oh, throw it down a big drain just like what Superman did with the chain of kryptonite around his neck. I told her what I did while we washed our hands. She said her shoulder felt a little bit better.

Throughout the whole seminar other than making people collapse I didn't feel like I had experienced anything that I hadn't experienced before. I felt like the people I was working on were getting a more profound experience than me. I wondered if maybe I had gotten my vibration so high that what they were experiencing as profound seemed normal to me. I talked to a facilitator about this. She had me two-point myself and turn up the intensity of the experience. It didn't seem to be working, but I decided to let it integrate overnight and see what happened the next day. I wasn't quite as tired and was able to get a few things done that night.

Last Day of Seminar Monday December 8th Level 2

Today I started to get frustrated because I knew other people were experiencing altered states of reality and having hallucinations I was still just seeing things with my minds eye. With one lady I was working on I was expressing this frustration. She was a hypnotherapist from Bellvue. I told her I could see a gold lining around her and that lining became gold thread that came from a spool on her shoulder. I pulled it out and a little kitten on the floor was playing with the thread. Then I got the idea to make her a sewing machine. I put the spool on the top of the machine (her shoulder) pulled it down, wound up the bobbin and pressed on the peddle. I sewed her a patchwork quilt made of gold, silver, violet purple, and indigo blue fabric. Then the quilt became a kite which I was holding with the gold thread. The kitten continued to play with the kite string on the floor. I didn't want to let it go, but then she suggested I let it go and then it flew off beyond the atmopsphere and smacked into a space ship. The space men took the kite inside their ship and took it with them to the Pleidaes. Dr. Bartlett was starting to talk again so we quickly had to end our session and I dropped the kite back through a worm hole it landed with a thunk and I gave it back to her. She said, "And you think you can't see." She also had me practice stepping outside of a box that had formed. I could feel my way in the box and was busting my way loose from it. A lady walked past and she could sense something expanded beyond us as she worked her way around the box.

My issue of trust was triggered when we learned about windows. The basic concept was that if you can open the window that's a yes and if you can't open it that's a no. I couldn't feel the stuck feeling of hitting a window very well at all. This took me back to a time when I trusted God and felt strongly that this was what I should be doing and then I ended up having the most traumatic experience of my life. I didn't feel like practicing on anyone and the crowds felt too overwhelming so I wandered out into the hallway, sat down, and leaned against a wall. I just wanted to cry. Then out of the corner of my eye this guy approached, Thomas, from Napa, CA. I had worked on him before and then I talked to him briefly outside in the atrium. He touched my shoulder gently and it felt really comforting. He told me to just welcome the emotion and tears started to roll down my cheeks. My heart chakra really ached and I almost wanted to reach up and touch it myself when I peeked my eyes open and noticed that he was working on my heart from a distance. He intuited where I needed his hand to go. I kept taking deep breaths and in less than five minutes I was starting to feel better. Then he said to me, "The dolphins really like you. They want you to come out and play." And at this I started to chuckle and then I saw a vision of two dolphins and I in the ocean playing and splashing with them and their smiley faces and twinkly eyes. Thomas seemed to be going for a ride with me as he started to giggle with glee and get overwhelmed by the dolphins and they're playfulness. "they want me to race with them," he said. Then the music started signaling that it was time to come back. He helped me up and I thanked him. "Come on, come on, now touch me babe, can't you see that I am not afraid..." were Jim Morrisons' lyrics. I danced and flew through the air blowing away any remaining emotional dust. In such a brief period I went from sad to happy.

I could hardly pay attention to the final "lecture" from Dr. Bartlett. I was so fried and so glad that today was the last day. I did notice the bladder meter this time go to red and then immediately afterward he had us take a break. He didn't even mention or remind us of the bladder meter it just appeared briefly.

Karis and I practiced making modules on each other. Mine was filled with enough money to make all my dreams come true among other things. When she put it in me, I felt high as a kite and my body started to stir in circles to the left from my hips. Karis filled her module and frequency 18 lifted up my arm and I had this feeling that my hand was going to go right through her, but instead it hit up against her chest. We gave each other a hug and we both went to our heart centers and I could feel our bodies shifting and relaxing down, melting into each other and we both started to laugh ecstatically.

In the end no instant healings occurred on me, instead I left with a feeling of curiosity, "I wonder how this is going to continue to change?"

The Day After the Matrix Seminar - Tuesday December 9th

I woke up feeling absolutely tired and I had to leave for work at 10am. I finally pried my body up off the bed and wondered how I was going to get it to wake up. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and noticed some points, went into my heart center, and my body collapsed at that. Hey it still works and on myself too. I decided to take some time and go soak in the hot tub at Brian's apartment complex. For some reason the key card didn't open the gate. I desperately needed a soak so I climbed the fence and got in that way. I took my glasses off and stared beyond the pansies in the flower pot above the spa. I was hoping to see some fairies. Then I practiced two pointing and sure enough my body would collapse down in the hot tub.

dreaded going to work and I had to console my inner child, "I know you don't want to go to work, but unfortunately you have to go. There's no way out of this." As I walked back to the apartment, I heard my phone beep. I don't know why I didn't hear it ring at the spa. My first thought was to wait and check my message after I was in the car on my way to work. I was running late. My second thought was that it was probably my client telling me I didn't need to come in today and pay me anyways for my time. I went ahead and checked it and my second thought was correct. Yippie! I was so relieved that the Universe had supported me in my need to rest that day. I walked to the library to watch a movie there and forgot that Brian's library doesn't open until 11am and it was 10:30. So I walked back to the apartment, had some lunch, and went back to sleep until 3:30pm.

2nd Day After Matrix Seminar -

I awoke this morning so wanting to do nothing again. I still felt tired. I couldn't not bring myself to write, or clean or any number of things that I was now behind on because I was in NY for a week and then went to this seminar. I was suppose to meet a friend to talk that morning and I really didn't want to leave the house. I called him and it turned out he had sent me an email telling me he couldn't get together until this afternoon. Well I had already made plans to do a rebirthing session over in Seattle this afternoon. So we had to reschedule. Okay I'm off the hook. So I took a hot bath and put lavender, and crystals as well as Epson salts in the tub. I did the two point thing again and my right hand was directed to draw a giant spiral in the air where I then reached in and pulled out a chunk of information and then my hand moved of its own accord as to where the information should be inserted in my body. Then I two pointed my knee and sure enough it seemed to ease the pain to where I could sit in easy pose. I kept reworking different points on it until it was completely comfortable. Then I two pointed my jaw (I have TMJ off and on) and afterwards massaged it and there weren't any tender spots. I did this on all the areas of my body that I noticed were uncomfortable. "It works, yeah." I finally made my body drive into town to prepare for my journey to Seattle. On the way I felt a pressure sensation on my head and third eye. I sat amused and observing it and then the feeling progressed to where my lips smiled in a drunk fashion and then for no particular reason I just burst out laughing so hard my stomach muscles started to ache. I floated to the library and felt a slight blissed out feeling not as strong as at the Seminar. I realized that I really didn't want to go to Seattle, but I felt obligated because we had made these plans so far in advance. Somehow I didn't get his email with his new number and wasn't able to contact him in time before the last ferry that would get me there in time. Today was just one of those days where I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. Very frustating when you have stuff to do. I wondered if the tiredness had to do with feeling so overwhelmed with things to get done and not knowing where to start and thus not starting anything at all or if I was simply still recovering from the seminar. Okay so I'm off the hook again today. I sat in easy pose on my chair at the library and my knee was a little uncomfortable so I reworked it again and it was comfortable again.

Matrix Miracle with my computer - Tuesday January 13th 2009

Below is a letter I wrote to the people at Matrix Energetics:

Hey Cece,

My computer was having problems. Every time I booted it, it would say, "OPERATING SYSTEM CAN NOT BE FOUND". After rebooting it four times I got fed up and 2-pointed it and it would work. I did this for a few days. Finally it got to the point where I could not get into it even after 2-pointing, time traveling, and putting it in an alternate reality. I thought, "Oh great I can't afford another computer right now." But a funny thing happened. That night my computer got stolen out of my car in my quiet little neighborhood. Now my renters insurance will cover it which means that Matrix Energetics worked because since it couldn't fix it, it just gave me a new computer all together. You're welcome to share this story with other EMer's. And could you do me a favor and mail me copies of the Matrix Manuals Level 1 & 2 they were inside my computer bag which was stolen along with the computer. Thanks a bunch,

Cheers!

Solstice

Adventures and Miracles in the Matrix

Well when my computer got stolen so did my day planner where I've kept notes of when miracle events happened. Below are highlights I remember from memory, but not necessarily in chronological order:

Parking
Matrix works almost consistently on finding me a great parking spot.

Traffic
I hit 10 mph traffic heading north bound on I-5 as I headed to work one morning. After a few minutes of that, I thought, "Okay I can't take this anymore." I 2-pointed the traffic moving and immediately my foot lowered down on the accelerated and the car lurched forward as the traffic suddenly moved and allowed me to get up to 50 mph. I went from 10 to 50 mph in less than a minute. Sometimes we just forget how powerful we are and that we don't have to just sit and accept a situation as it is.


Changing the Weather
This one is a little more difficult for me to feel like I have control over. As we headed out of the worst snow storm the Seattle area has seen in 44 years, I 2-pointed the predicted weather for Los Angeles. I really need some warm days and currently the weather for Christmas Eve was 55 degrees and raining, a cold snap for L.A. The weather predicted that it wouldn't get up to 70 degrees until after we had to return back to Seattle. I 2-pointed that we would get at least 2 days of sunny warm weather and we did. I felt I had to limit this because of the strong morphic field created by the collective conscious that says we have no control over the weather.

Matrix helped me win at a card game.
When visiting family for the holidays we played a favorite family French card game, Milbournes. I focused my 2-points on the draw pile on on the card in which I needed. Fifty percent of the time I would draw the card in which I needed. I noticed that it seemed to work better if I spoke out loud to the group that "I'm finding the alternate reality in which I am drawing the (insert card I needed) card." Even thought the group didn't believe in this hoaky stuff there collective observation seemed to help.

Healing my Knee
After that first initial session right after the Matrix Seminar, my knee continued to get better. My knee began to hurt when it was bent in certain ways about 5 months ago. It was the beginning of July when I started writing my memoir and delving back into some very deep and painful stuff. I never got a chance to completely clear the emotions that were stirred that summer because in the Fall I had to move and the transition took a lot of my time and focus. I knew that not being able to move forward because of the memories was the cause of the knee problem, but I simply didn't have the time to clear it. Matrix fixed it right up and after 5 months of suffering with it, it took about a month to get to a place where I hardly notice it as a problem anymore in my yoga class.

The Ultimate Miracle which Matrix has brought about
The worst side effect of the rape/trauma I experienced when I was 19 was this condition called Vaginismus (see ). Basically I can't have sexual intercourse without feeling an intense searing pain inside my vagina. The rape caused a psychosomatic condition in which my PC muscles go into spasm and block anything from getting inside even tampons. It's a protective measure, but it has been a major source of heart ache and difficulty in my marriage. I feel very safe with my husband and I have worked through so many emotional issues around feeling safe with him sexually and yet after three and a half years of being sexually active with him it is a rare occasion in which we are able to experience pain free sexual intercourse that I was able to really enjoy. So we've had to get really creative and find ways to satisfy each other without having sexual intercourse. Within two weeks of putting the matrix into effect I had the most amazing sex with my husband. I've never seen him react that way and after I orgasmed I laughed so ecstatically. Matrix is so easy you can be 2-pointing in the middle of having sex and it would drop me into this total present moment place that totally intensified the entire interaction. We were able to have pain free sexual intercourse two more times that weekend. It didn't work so good the next weekend or the next. Then it came back again. Once the busyness of the holidays were over the New Year seemed to open up this space in which I could back into doing my Vaginismus workbook and Matrix is giving me the support I need to make it work. I'm hopeful that within a month I'll be having the most incredible sex of my life. This is such a strongly embedded blockage in my field it's been around for a decade. Matrix just cuts right through that blockage.

meeting my spirit guide

In 2001, I also started to learn how to meditate. I took lots of hot baths to relieve the stress from school and to get warm from the bitter winters where my school was located. (I am temperature sensitive and get cold very easily.) I spontaneously met one of my spirit guides while getting really relaxed in one of these hot baths. I sensed that someone was in the room and then asked with my mind who was there. He telepathically told me who he was and of the times in my life that he was there for me one of them being during those dark months following the rape. Some of the life events I had forgotten about. I asked him about my future with my current boyfriend. He lightheartedly replied, “You know I can’t tell you that.” And I knew he was right that if I new the future, then I wouldn’t endure the hard lessons ahead. I immediately wrote this event in my journal.

Even more progress: releasing lots of limiting beliefs

College was easier than work in some ways because I had more control over when I could completely fall apart emotionally and when I had to hold it together long enough to get assignments in on time.

It was on my birthday in 2001 that I really fell apart. So much so that I knew I needed some more outside help. My old therapist had moved to Australia and was only accessible by e-mail which wasn’t enough. I told the Universe that I would like a way to move through these emotions and I would like that way to come in the next two weeks. A few days later I was reading through the school newspaper and saw a free workshop for rape survivors. I went to it and didn’t find the workshop helpful, but I stayed to talk with some of the ladies who helped with it and one of them referred me to an alternative therapist. After just one session with her, I knew her techniques were working. This healer had a whole bag of tricks to help release all of the betrayal, anxiety, and depression I had been holding on to for so long. She used Rapid Eye Technology (see www.rapideyetechnology.com), EFT (see www.emofree.com), Kinergetics, Craniosacral, Aromatherapy, and Reiki. The more I released emotions the more I was able to create my life the way I wanted it to be. I rediscovered yoga which also helped to release these emotions and the stress from school.

Found new techniques for coping with school

I started college in the Fall of 2000. This time armed with a whole new approach. I had my depression mostly under control without drugs and I had a new game plan for handling my lack of focus and I found more ways for me to learn the way I learn within the current learning system. Part of that game plan was to take less class hours because my anxiety would flare up if I got bombarded with too many deadlines avoiding the reasons why I ended up dropping out the last time I was in school. I also found some funding that made it possible for me to not have to work while going to school. By the end of the five years I had mastered the art of going to college and how to create my life the way I want it to be.

finding balance moving beyond the past: ADD

I returned home once again to my parents. Luckily I had them to fall back on. Many people do not. For the next year and a half the energy was out there in a short time I found a very good therapist who could help me. I also discovered what my life’s passion was. My creative projects soared to new levels. My self-esteem and confidence started to build and I moved out on my parents’ into my own apartment. There was more upheaval with my parents due to becoming aware of the codependent relationship we had. Plus I learned how to communicate assertively and set boundaries which didn’t go over so well initially with my family. I quit taking the anti-depressants. I couldn’t afford them anyway. I got a cheap bike at the thrift store which allowed me to exercise a lot and put me in creative states of meditation. I got a job I loved for the first time in a plant nursery. Putting my hands in the soil everyday was good therapy.

I started to make plans to return to school to become a landscape architect. Landscape Architecture is a perfect Indigo career. It utilizes my various creative skills including writing as well as helps to save the environment on several levels. To name just a few examples, landscapes architects create wildlife habitats and they can also enhance mass transit and neighborhood designs so people use their cars less. Also my ability to visualize and put things together in 3D in my head comes in real handy.

My therapist diagnosed me with ADD as well as having a learning disability. This brought lots of tears as an explanation as to why I was the “stupidest” in my family became more clear to me. I think it was my absolute determination the kind that insisted that it was not my bedtime when I was a child that made it possible for me to get through high school with such good grades.

My emotions which had been mostly numb since I was a child had started to return. This was the beginning of my awakening and moving into present moment as well as loving myself. I became aware that I was tired or hungry or tense and I would take care of myself when I had neglected my body before.

Suicide, bipolar II, and the event that woke me up in 1998

Eventually I felt good enough to move away from my parents again and started a low stress job in Phoenix, AZ. It’s the only job I have had for a full year. I became a loner and drank alcohol and watched movies every night. I didn’t feel like anyone cared that I existed. I felt alienated from my family. So one dark lonely night I toyed with the idea of suicide with the thought that it would take days for someone to find my body because in my mind no one cared about me. Soon after this, I met another boyfriend. He saved me from myself because someone finally cared. He was Navajo and he told me of some interesting spiritual experiences he had with the medicine men and also of the scary experiences he had with an alcoholic father. This boyfriend had a really significant impact on me in that we were together long enough for me to see that I needed to make some real changes in my life. More anti-depressant experimentation and therapy weren’t helping. I was now being diagnosed as bipolar II. I read more self-help books and they weren’t helping. After a year and a half I found myself pregnant, on some level I wanted to have a baby, but when I knew that I would be totally on my own to raise a child because he wasn’t interested in being a father that’s when I decided to have an abortion. The abortion in August of 98 was the big turning point for me. It was the message that said I had let my life get so bad that it had come to this. It was my rock bottom.

Depression, anxiety attacks and more school

Feeling ready to start life again, I returned to college and studied journalism within a month of miscarrying. Writing became a huge part of my way of releasing emotions. And as anyone who has been sexually abused knows, if I thought that my relationships with men were screwed up before I was raped they were even worse now. I would have panic attacks when they dumped me or cling to them or became sexually involved with them when it wasn’t a committed loving relationship. (I was a virgin before I had been raped and was saving myself for someone special) I started smoking pot and cigarettes at this point they seemed to help with the anxiety and depression which I still had no other answers to. I had tried anti-depressants, but they didn’t work. My relationships with psychotherapists usually ended with me in a big rage because the guy was a total idiot as far as I was concerned and had no real solutions to my problems. I even told one of them that 50 years from now people are gonna look back on this time and think how crazy we were to take anti-depressants. He didn’t appreciate my opinion. Anxiety, depression and school didn’t mix and it all climaxed with me quitting two weeks before finals. I went back to the refuge of my parents and slept for three days. I spent the next year there and took an odd job here and there and a few more dysfunctional relationships with boyfriends here and there.

When my worst fear manifested into reality and betrayal from people who seemed to have spiritual answers

Soon after arriving in Seattle my relationship with my road trip companion ended. I set out on my own and found a ride with a girl who was headed to Iowa City. From there, I got a ride from a Japanese guy I met at a hostel on his way to St. Paul. At the hostel there, I couldn’t seem to find anyone else who was headed East. So I reluctantly took the Grey Hound bus to Milwaukee. On the entire trip I found myself searching for answers to the myriad of questions that were now running through my head ever since the upheaval of transitioning from agreeing with my parents to disagreeing with them. Maybe if I had gone into that portal instead of being scared I would have gotten the answers I so desperately wanted. I met a man on the bus who offered to help me and who also seemed to have the answers to my questions of life. It was if he had reached inside my soul and new what my weak point was and new how to play with that. Because of this I trusted him, but that trust unexpectedly turned into terror as he betrayed me by raping me. Amazingly, though, I was able to remain calm and think very clearly about how to get out of this situation. I was able to gain his trust so that he would leave me alone long enough for me to gather up the essentials of my belongings, jump out the window, and run to safety. It was like something out of the movies in terms of a brilliant game plan to escape. It’s taken me 12 years after this experience, for the notion to surface that this man would have killed me if I had not escaped. Much learning and emotional strength has come from this experience. One of the lessons was the power of my imagination. You see being raped was one of my worst fears. A year before this event I daydreamed that I had been raped in great detail to the point where my imagination had evoked emotions. So now whenever another strong fear comes up I have learned not to dwell on it or give it in power. I do this by toning a mantra and changing the subject in my mind. Most of you now know that we create with our minds, but at the age of 19 I hadn’t any idea of the power I was capable of.

On my 20th birthday I was pregnant from being raped and I dyed my hair black as a symbol to myself that this was the darkest days of my life. My strong belief that this was a life growing inside of me brought me to the decision that I did not want to abort it. But I cried almost every day because I didn’t want to have a baby and by the fifth month I miscarried much to my happiness and relief.

expanding outside of my familial relationship and having a profound spiritual experience

Back at home I started dating an older man who owned a New Age bookstore. He was really into conspiracy theories and alien stuff. This relationship sort of helped me complete my rebellion against my parents and made me realize that they don’t know anything. I started writing at this point on topics such as “Who is God?” and I took my notebook to church to take note of all the things I disagreed with. This boyfriend was surprised by the fact that I didn’t disagree with everything he was telling me even though I had never heard of this stuff before. (Now I look back on this guy and feel sorry for him because he lived in so much paranoia and it made him a little on the insane side). That summer a tourist passing through our town had his Geo Metro break down and found his way to my boyfriend’s bookstore. The next thing I know I am on a road trip with him headed for the Northwest. At the time I felt like I was on some sort of mission—this inner need to save the planet and in my mind this trip was somehow the answer to that. The guy I was with was a part of some global organization trying to do something to help with the environment. I don’t remember the details. Along the way we decided to fast for three days just to see what would happen. We stopped in Las Vegas and I found the “chi ching” sound of the money clanking in the casinos completely overwhelming. I would have to run outside just to feel relief from this. I didn’t realize at the time that this was because I was an empath. We went on to area 51 and camped outside of it. In the night I felt the ground vibrating beneath us. Still don’t know for sure if it was my imagination. On the third day we stopped in Yosemite. We hiked up to the mist trail and after the bridge I was too weak to go on to the top of the waterfall so I stayed on a boulder near the raging river to wait for him. I laid down and envisioned all the light and energy from the surrounding pine trees and the water being gathered up and then entering me from the crown of my head. (I didn’t think I read about how to do this it just sort of came to me.) When my body was fully relaxed I opened my eyes and stared up at the blue sky. My eyes didn’t focus on the sky, though, but instead on the little molecules of light that you can see in the air. The little lights started to form a pattern similar to watching liquid spiraling in an electric blender. I stared at this portal/worm hole in fascination and then the message came to me telepathically, “Do you want some knowledge?” I knew from my religious background that having knowledge carried with it a great deal of responsibility. The thought of going into the unknown scared me and I sat up with a start.

Cross country roadtrip, seeking a low pressure life, futuristic perspective of the world

In 1993, after completing two years of college at the age of 18, I didn’t have a clue as to what I wanted to do for a career. Most students figured out what they wanted to do by just trying out other classes. I hated school so much that I didn’t think that was the way to find out for me. So I moved back home with my parents and helped with the family business and became sort of a recluse which I really enjoyed. I found out I was really good at baking and cooking much to my families delight. I also took up sewing which I was not immediately good at like all my other creative pursuits so I got lazy and didn’t pursue the art more. I took a road trip with my family which took us all the way to Florida up into D.C., NYC and back again. It really triggered the traveling bug in me. At Cape Canaveral in Florida we saw these mammoth sized rocket ships that required a truck larger than a tractor trailer to transport it to the launch pad. My first reaction to this was not awe, but more like, “this thing is so archaic.” It was one of the greatest inventions of our time, and my response was how awkward this giant this thing was. I’ve decided that I must have lived in a future (not past) lifetime to view our present technology this way.

After completing two years of college at the age of 18, I didn’t have a clue as to what I wanted to do for a career. Most students figured out what they wanted to do by just trying out other classes. I hated school so much that I didn’t think that was the way to find out for me. So I moved back home with my parents and helped with the family business and became sort of a recluse which I really enjoyed. I found out I was really good at baking and cooking much to my families delight. I also took up sewing which I was not immediately good at like all my other creative pursuits so I got lazy and didn’t pursue the art more. I took a road trip with my family which took us all the way to Florida up into D.C., NYC and back again. It really triggered the traveling bug in me. At Cape Canaveral in Florida we saw these mammoth sized rocket ships that required a truck larger than a tractor trailer to transport it to the launch pad. My first reaction to this was not awe, but more like, “this thing is so archaic.” It was one of the greatest inventions of our time, and my response was how awkward this giant this thing was. I’ve decided that I must have lived in a future (not past) lifetime to view our present technology this way.

Depression: full shielding and rebelling against religion and politics

I went on to college and discovered that I had depression. I met a man that I fell completely head over heels with and when he left me I found that I could not cry about it. I realized that I was completely without emotion. I didn’t get angry, happy, or sad. This disturbed me and I began my journey into the self-help world. I took a drama class and was also immediately talented in that area. I also started to take up photography. One of my drawings and photographs took 1st place in the local county fair. College allowed me to start meeting friends who were more accepting and who opened me to other ways of thinking. One girl introduced me to yoga which I didn’t like because I got dizzy. (10 years later I took yoga again and loved it) She was reading books like the Celestine Prophecy and said it was her new religion. That made me not want to read the book because I hated religion and I didn’t want to attach to another one. My mother was fundamentalist Christian and her extremes really turned me off to it. As an adolescent I was not a rebellious child. I did what my parents asked of me and thought they always new what they were talking about when it came to religion and politics. This could have been due to my desire to please them so they would love me. It was a very sheltered life.

non-conformity

The last two years of high school was also the time that I met friends from the next town over who referred to themselves as non-conformists. Even amongst these so called non-conformists I didn’t feel like I fit in. But they did help me to stop worrying about trying to be popular and as a result I actually found myself rebelling against my peers by being as different from them as possible. This included becoming a vegetarian. I have been vegetarian since then, but my reasons have evolved over the years.

how art and nature became my first way of coping with a 3D existence

I barely made it through high school I was so tired all the time. I would use up every single one of my allotted absentees. Because I got such good grades, my parents allowed me to choose if I wanted to stay home that day. My last year I had met most of the requirements for graduation and did not need to take a full day of classes so I worked out a deal with the superintendent to make it possible for me to take two hours for lunch and my art teacher allowed me to come in and paint while she taught another class so that gave me two hours of art. Art was also my escape and I found that I could draw and paint quite well without much practice at all. I took voice lessons for a few months and shortly after that got a solo in our local Messiah production. We lived near the Grand Canyon and Zion National Park and our family would often go to these places. These were also sanctuaries from my painful childhood.

school performance and an IQ test

In fourth grade, I started having trouble with my school work. My teachers’ remarks were that I was very capable of doing the work. I just don’t do the work. As a result I was very behind and my mother had to sit down with me every evening and make me do my homework. Even when I went on to college I still panicked when I thought I might get behind in my school work.

When I was in 7th grade, my family was part of a research study for some kind of abnormal thyroid problem. They wondered if it made people lack intelligence as their hypothesis had so far proven. The thyroid problem was genetic and some of the members of my family have it. They gave all of us an IQ test. Everyone in my family tested in the highly superior to genius category and I only tested in the above average category making me the stupidest one in my family. I cried and cried over these test scores. I don’t think my parents’ made these scores have a sense of competition, but I turned it into that because I wanted so much to be loved by them and in my mind I thought that if I was the smartest of their children maybe they would love me more. Now after years of self-discovery and much healing in my family, I’ve realized that my parents loved me, but they were in capable of showing me love in a way that I could feel it.

In high school I went to test for the ACT, college entrance exam. Once again my scores were terrible and I cried the day I had to go and take the test. I was so full of anxiety. I scored a 20 which wasn’t enough to get into a really good school, but wasn’t really bad either. I was a straight A student, by my test scores did not reflect that.