interest in spirituality begins

In Junior high I wanted so much to fit in and be popular and have a boyfriend. I thought my appearance would make me more likeable and became overly concerned with having perfect hair and nice clothes. I lived in my daydream world this was the only way I could escape the painfulness of school and being the subject of constant teasing and criticism. When I walked home from school, I would zone out and imagine I was traveling in a far off land. I would have whole conversations in my head with imaginary people. Sometimes I would pretend that my life was a movie and even the most mundane things I was doing was being filmed for the movie. It was at this age say 13 that I started wanting to be spiritual. I read books about near death experiences and cried because I missed the love that the authors had experienced on the otherside. At times, I wanted to die because I would get relief from this life. In spite of this desire, I never made any attempts at suicide because I understood from these books that it would only lead to more pain. I started to see my body as just a shell of flesh and blood and it actually kind of disgusted me. I wanted so much to be good. I remember having checklists of all the things my parents’ church had deemed to be what a good spiritual person should do like read the scriptures daily. I would feel disappointed in myself if I was not doing all those things.